My presidential campaign has turned ugly. False accusations of my dishonesty, my deceit, and my character from many years past are now being exposed to distract voters from the real issues, corn and swimming pools. I hereby offer the following explanations and demand a retraction from my accusers.
I purport to be a unifying force for our citizenry, but I am accused of being a destructivist. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
I am a master of plausible deniability, and I will not let my good name be sullied by the acts of others.
Simply having my harness on in the back yard is enough to inspire mud-slinging by my opposition. The fact that I am at the back gate dressed for the front yard does not necessarily suggest that I got out into the driveway and had to be brought in the back way, through the storage area. That would be an irresponsible statement, solely based upon circumstantial evidence. No one would comment if I was dressed this way at the other gate. This was taken out of context.
Grass is for eating, so are plants. It’s my yard, they are my plants.
Fat Bonnie, the rabbit, knocked the fences down. I may have to consider a cabinet position for her, after all.
I feel deeply about maintaining the Open Door policy.
I want to point out that any occurrences above the height of an ordinary chair seat can in no way be attributed to me. I am a capybara, and I am only about 24″ high at the shoulders.
Misplaced blame. Sometimes I just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Sometimes it just LOOKS like it was me, but of course it was someone else. We all kinda look the same.
Again, no way to prove that was me dumping the lettuce box. It’s a bad photo.
Again, without DNA testing, this could be anyone. Why am I always the scapegoat?
People are saying I don’t represent the middle class. That’s a bunch of hooey.
In fact, I own a few restaurants, and it’s nice, being served. You should try it some time.
Full disclosure is for losers, too. Some information is personal, and I am the only one who can make that determination. So, butt out!
Seriously, who can take a candidate seriously when their lifestyle is degraded. You call THIS a swimming pool?
I am not an obstructionist. I am the gatekeeper.
On the contrary, I keep things moving. Sometimes at a brisk pace! Uncooperative cats get herded.
The most hurtful criticism is regarding my alleged vulgarity. I don’t know how this vicious rumor started.
After all, I am a wetland animal, and by wetland, they mean MUD.
Try keeping your nose clean in this type of environment. Everyone gets caught once in a while.
I don’t know how these photos even got here. Where’s the editor?
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