Is there a one hundred pound semi-aquatic South American rodent in your kitchen? I am Dobby the Capybara, I live in the suburbs, and this is my story. My royal status notwithstanding, this is the highly opinionated record of my downfall from pampered pet to grubby, corn-obsessed middle age. It isn’t “How to Capybara” anything, and the facts are a little bit mixed up. If you are interested in wild capybaras, good luck. I can tell you what’s in my refrigerator, though, and where the off-limits birdseed is. I also specify visitor expectations, explain discreet coprophagy techniques, and offer advice on forays into forbidden parts of the house. Grab a highlighter and take notes in case there is a poop quiz!